Skinny Dipping: A Documentary
by evilsockofghana
Summary: Little episodes from the life and times of Kakashi's team. Part of the Documentary Stories.
1. Wherein the team skinnydips

It had been an exhausting mission. They were all worn out, and seeking ways to relax. Naruto would have been perfectly happy flopping to the ground and going to sleep, but the shopkeeper kept poking him with his broom so he had to get up.

All were relieved when Sakura finally remembered the location of the hot springs Ino's team had found on their own mission in the area just a few weeks before. The team immediately trooped out to the isolated location in the woods that Sakura led them to.

Naruto promptly fell asleep again and slipped under. Sasuke watched the bubbles stream up with a slight curiosity. When they stopped, he turned away, disinterested. Kakashi shook his head in exasperation and reached over and hauled Naruto up again so his head was above water once more. He was still sleeping as water streamed out his nose and mouth. Sasuke was still ignoring him. Kakashi rolled his visible eye, causing Sasuke and Sakura, who was looking over her shoulder from the smaller, connected pool she was lounging in for privacy, to wonder why he still had his mask on despite having shed the rest of his clothes.

Sakura attempted to be subtle in her attempt to peek at Sasuke, but she wasn't. She turned away again extremely quickly when Naruto awoke and stood up. Inner Sakura griped loudly about it being the _wrong _boy who'd stood, and why did Sasuke have to sit so the water came up to just below his nose? Not that his nose wasn't adorable, it was just that that was visible _every_ day, and an opportunity like this only came around once in a lifetime, and—

"Man, am I beat!" Naruto proceeded to stretch out sore muscles, and Sakura, disgusted, proceeded to ignore that pool altogether. Naruto noticed and deflated slightly. Mentally, the secret plan he'd codenamed "Seduce Sakura with My Sexy Muscles" was scrapped. Sasuke snorted at him.

"You're only tired because you have to use half your chakra to do even the smallest thing. I'm surprised you can walk around without using it all."

New secret plan: Tie up Naked Sasuke and Feed Him to the Fangirls.

Naruto glanced around to see if there was any rope nearby. Unfortunately, there wasn't. There also weren't any towels.

Sasuke noticed around the same time.

"Uh, Kakashi-sensei, did we bring towels?" asked Naruto. Sasuke buried his face in his hands. He already knew the answer.

Kakashi shrugged. "I'll guess you'll just have to drip-dry until you're dry enough to put your clothes back on and walk back to town. Better get started."

Naruto immediately started complaining loudly as Sasuke silently hauled himself out of the water to begin the process. Sasuke favored Naruto with a deep glare and a command to stop being such a baby about it. Naruto promptly shut up and glared back. He had a small thought that their glares might be a tad more effective if they weren't stark naked.

Sakura had also noticed by now.

"Sensei, there aren't any towels!"

"You'll just have to do what the boys are doing. You might try jumping up and now to speed things up a bit, you know."

After giving Kakashi a series of horrified looks that turned to disbelief that turned to hopelessness that turned to resignation, Sasuke and Naruto started hopping lightly up and down in place, studiously avoiding eye contact.

Sakura averted her eyes.

"I think I'll just put on my clothes while I'm still wet."

Naruto and Sasuke stared at her in horror.

"Yeah, but what am _I_ supposed to do? This is the only set of clothes I brought for this mission!"

Sakura wrinkled her nose. "Okay, I can understand wearing you clothes twice on a short mission. But what about underwear?"

Naruto rolled his eyes.

"Come on! A good pair of underwear can be worn for four days—forwards and backwards, and then inside out both ways."

Sakura stared at him in horror.

"That's disgusting!"

Sasuke gave her a pointed look. "This is why you always have too much luggage on long-distance missions. You bring along too much underwear."

Which made it clear that Sasuke also subscribed to this theory. Sakura was swamped with images of Sasuke in dirty underwear, which were very, very bad and very, very good at the same time. Kakashi sighed nostalgically.

"Ah, to be young and filthy again. Reminds me of little kids playing in mud puddles. Cute, really."

Sasuke glared. "What, do you bring extra luggage too? You don't need that much underwear…"

Kakashi interrupted him with a wave of his hand.

"Actually, I wear boxers. And those are like shorts, so the usual rules of how often you have to wash underwear don't apply."

Sasuke and Naruto stopped to absorb this.

"I…I never realized that before," said Sasuke thoughtfully.

Kakashi smiled happily behind his mask. "Well, that's my job as your teacher, after all. Passing on knowledge to the next generation."

Sakura was disgusted. Unfortunately for Kakashi, she also made an important discovery.

"Sensei! You have a towel and you were hiding it?"

"Oops."

-…-

Kiba was relaxing with Akamaru outside the small place his team had decided to stay the night at. He was just wondering if Kurenai could be talked into letting him have some sake (not likely, but hey, he could dream, couldn't he?) when Sakura sprinted past in nothing but a towel.

She was closely followed by Naruto and Sasuke, who were both buck naked and shouting at the top of their lungs for her to give up the towel. Right on their heels was Kakashi, who was naked except for his mask and headband and was bellowing in an outraged voice for the return of his towel.

After they passed, Kiba and his dog sat silently for a few long moments. Then Kiba got up and went inside. It was time for bed.


	2. Wherein Sasuke eats small crunchy snacks

Sasuke ate small crunchy snacks a lot. He did not love them. Sasuke did not love anything. He was not fond of them, either. Sasuke was also not fond of anything. He just ate them all the time.  
The thing of the matter was, he loved to feel them crunch between his teeth. It reminded him deliciously of glass breaking. Ceramics shattering. Bones being crushed instantaneously into dust...

-...-

"_Sasuke_...cough, cough..._Sasuke, how have you grown so strong?"  
Sasuke smirked down at his brother. "I eat small crunchy snacks regularly to keep up my strength."  
Itachi stared at him. "What?"  
"Er...nothing. Ha! I finally defeat you, Itachi!" Sasuke raised his foot high, and then brought it down on Itachi's leg._

CRUNCH

_"AAAAAARRGH!" Sasuke let himself be lost in a burst of manaical laughter. "Bwa ha ha ha ha ha!"  
Itachi took a break from groaning. "That's a western style evil laugh, little brother."  
"Oh. I'll try a different one, then...Ku ku ku ku."  
"Better. No, Sasuke, I beg of you, please, don't hurt me anymore! I'll do anything!"  
Sasuke smugly crossed his arms over his chest. He began to circle around his prostrate brother, not bothering to avoid the puddles of dark blood slowly spreading from Itachi's body.  
"Already reduced to begging, nii-san? Doesn't feel so good to be the one on the floor, does it?"  
His voice had acquired a slightly insane tone. His eye fell on Itachi's arm. Itachi saw his gaze and gasped in horror.  
"No, Sasuke, please don't! Sasuke! Sasu--"  
"Doesn't feel so good, does it?"  
"No--"_

CRUNCH

_"AAAAAARRGH!"  
"Bwa ha ha ha ha"  
"Sasuke, you're lapsing into Western again."  
Sasuke sucked his teeth, annoyed. "I'll laugh however I feel like laughing, curse you!"_

CRUNCH

_"AAAAAARRGH! AAAA--"_

CRUNCH

CRUNCH

CRUNCH

-...-

_crunch _

_crunch_

Naruto and Sakura eyed Sasuke. Naruto turned toward his teammate.  
"Why does Sasuke always get that weird look on his face when he eats pretzels?"  
Sakura only shrugged nervously.


	3. Wherein Kakashi spreads a rumor

Sakura and Naruto paced and fumed as Sasuke sat on the rails and pretended not to care about life. They paced and fumed, and paced and fumed, and abruptly had to stop as Sakura ran rather suddenly out of fume. Naruto offered a drink from his water bottle as she coughed, and Sasuke briefly glanced at her.

_He looked at me! He _looked _at me! I saw! There was visual contact between us! SASUKE LOOKED AT ME!_

She coughed some more. Naruto looked concerned. He'd never seen a girl run out of fume before, and wasn't sure if she'd be okay.

They were interrupted by the arrival of Kakashi. Sakura immediately recovered. Naruto blinked, and thought hard. If she recovered that fast, maybe he could do just a teensy-weensy bit of damage in his efforts to capture her love? Plan Do a Teensy-Weensy Bit of Damage to Sakura In Order To Capture Her Love was tentatively formed. Sakura began to scream at Kakashi at truly astonishing volume, and the new Plan was abandoned. He'd forgotten how strong she was. Gosh, she was so cute when she was angry.

Naruto shook his head to clear it of these frivolous not-mad-at-Kakashi thoughts and focused on being truly ticked.

"Why are you late _this_ time, sensei?" he shouted with Sakura. His heart fluttered. They had spoken in unison! Surely that must mean that she would eventually come to like him!

"Er...I'm glad you asked that." Kakashi smiled, and didn't even have the decency to look sheepish. "You see, I was walking along in the market-place..."

The three members of the team settled themselves on the railing in preparation for a long and very stupid story. Time passed.

"...and the cat was caught on the roof, since the chickens had scared it so badly, and somebody had to help it. I was going to do it myself, of course," he paused to bow his head modestly, eliciting a snort from of the three, "But someone beat me to it. It was another ninja who'd been sleeping at the time, but all the noise with the chickens and that dancing girl had woken him up, so he'd run out to get the cat off of the roof, but he was naked, since he'd been sleeping naked, so—"

Sasuke had had too much. "No ninja sleeps naked." He growled. "They have to be prepared at all hours of the night." Sakura and Naruto nodded their agreement. Naruto had found that out the hard way.

Kakashi blinked. An evil gleam came into his eye. "Why, that's not true! A true ninja is prepared whether or not he has clothes on! And I know plenty of ninjas who sleep naked!"

He waited for them to bite. Finally, Sasuke did, with another snort. The boy was doing that a lot lately. Maybe Kakashi should take him in the medic nins to get his nose checked out or something.

"Who do you know that sleeps naked, then?"

The gleam intensified. "Why, your academy teacher, for one. Umino Iruka."

-...-

Iruka was waiting for Naruto outside of Ichiraku Ramen, as he usually did. Naruto was pretty late today, though. Kakashi must have delayed especially long this morning.

There was Naruto now.

Unfortunately for Iruka, Naruto did not wait until he was close enough to have a private conversation, but shouted his thoughts out at a truly ear-splitting volume. Iruka had noticed this tendency before, and had thought seriously about getting a small shock collar for the boy's skinny neck.

"SENSEI! IS IT TRUE YOU SLEEP NAKED?"

Iruka turned around and sat down at the counter as people in the street turned to stare. He glanced down and considered banging his head against it, but decided it wasn't worth it since there was a chance that it wouldn't be fatal.

Naruto was getting closer, and still hadn't turned down the volume. Iruka wondered what it was about kids and teenagers that they were so prone to yelling all the time, even when they were three feet from you. He was actually glad that Konohamaru's shrill voice had deafened him slightly. It made Naruto's voice easier to tolerate.

"SENSE—"

Iruka grabbed him and yanked him down onto one of the stools.

"Naruto!" he hissed. "You have come to bother me at home literally every hour of the night! You know exactly what I wear to bed! Where in the _hell_ did you get the idea that I sleep naked!"

Naruto blinked. "Uh, Kakashi-sensei told us you did."

Iruka released the front of Naruto's jacket. A certain copy-nin was going to suffer greatly.


	4. Wherein we go back in time

So why did Kakashi get such an evil gleam in his eye last chapter? Why was he so eager to target poor, innocent Iruka? To discover the answer, we'll have to go back a week in time, and we just might find out that Iruka is not as innocent as he may have seemed…

-…-

Kakashi –poofed- on the bridge to discover Sakura and Sasuke kneeling with their foreheads together, murmuring to each other. Had Sasuke finally given in to teenage hormones and submitted to Sakura? Naruto would be devasta—

Where was Naruto, anyway? Kakashi's students were not allowed to be later than him! Why were Sasuke and Sakura just sitting there talking when this was going on?

Oh. Yes. They were talking about Naruto. Kakashi knew that. Really.

He lifted both of them up by the scruffs of their scrawny little genin necks and hauled them to eye level. Sasuke immediately started to kick his little legs around in the air. Kakashi considered telling him just how many kinds of idiot doing that made him look like, but decided that finding and slaughtering Naruto was more urgent.

"Where's Naruto?" he growled. Sasuke stopped struggling immediately, and Sakura also froze. Kakashi had his "I'm going to kill you slowly and relish every moment" look. They shrugged as best they could while being suspended in the air that way.

"We don't know, sensei!" whined Sakura. She did that a lot. "We were just talking about it, and we just can't think of where he might be!"

Kakashi dropped them. A loud thump ensued, which he ignored. He was thinking….

-…-

Two hours later, Kakashi was still thinking, and Sasuke immediately stood up when he saw a cloud on the horizon, glad for the distraction from the card game with Sakura that he was losing rather badly. He suspected her of cheating, but couldn't figure out how.

A moment later, Kakashi and Sakura noticed, too. They stood up to stand by him, showing a unified front which would have been more impressive if a cascade of playing cards hadn't tumbled out of Sakura's shorts the moment she stood up. Sasuke gave her a look, but decided it was cooler not to say anything.

The dust cloud materialized into a small, dirty vehicle that looked remarkably like a green, heavy-duty metal, souped-up golf cart with no top. It went frighteningly fast, and the passenger had spiky hair, though you couldn't tell what color it was beneath all the dirt.

The vehicle roared up to the bridge and halted so fast both the driver's and passenger's heads were flung forwards at neck-snapping speed. The passenger hopped out and pumped his fists while the driver grinned beneath a pair of goggles.

"YES! That was so awesome! I love this gator!" He turned to Sakura. "Sakura-chan! Did you see how fast we were going? And that wasn't even top speed! You should see it on a flat stretch, like it was earlier when I was driving, and when I floored it, MAN! IT WENT SO FAST!"

Naruto finally noticed the three pairs of glares as the driver, as yet still unidentified, hopped out of the gator and started dusting off his pants. Naruto blinked and counted glares again. Yep, three.

"Hey, Kakashi, you're actually here on time for once!"

Kakashi twitched. "No, Naruto, I was here three hours late."

Naruto blinked. "Er, I'm three hours late?"

"No, Naruto, you're five hours late. Kakashi got here two hours ago." Sasuke turned on his death-glare and Naruto stepped back.

Sakura turned on the driver. "You! What kind of jerk are you, making us wait this long? You're worse than Kakashi-sensei!"

The driver stepped back, surprised.

"H-hey, Sakura, don't yell at him, he's—" Naruto tried to say, but Sakura brushed him aside.

"Just who do you think you are, anyway?" she demanded.

He reached up and took off the goggles, showing a pair of chocolate brown eyes.

It also showed just enough of the scar across his nose for Sakura to realize her mistake.

_I just chewed out my academy sensei. I JUST CHEWED OUT IRUKA-SENSEI!_

She sprinted to the other side of the bridge and collapsed in a nervous heap. Naruto and Sasuke joined her as Iruka attempted to placate Kakashi.

"I'm so sorry, Kakashi-sama, it's just that we lost track of time…"

Naruto stretched tiredly. "Man. Day's almost over anyway. Might as well just ditch."

Sasuke blinked in horror. Sakura sat up. Naruto stared at them. They were staring at something behind him, and suddenly Naruto remembered that he'd just said the d-word around two teachers.

He turned around slowly. "Er…"

Kakashi and Iruka narrowed their eyes. Oh. Man. Naruto rarely saw Kakashi's face reach the level of "my very gaze will smite thee, and _then_ I will kill you slowly and relish every moment, laughing insanely before I cart myself off to the mental hospital for long term treatment of my newly found homicidal insanity", and he hadn't even known Iruka had a face like that. He really couldn't describe it. It was almost "I'm going to tie you to a wall and you use for target practice with rotten peaches" with a touch of "I'm going to go get a sledgehammer and do terrible things to your kneecaps", but then again, it seemed more like a mix of "you're gonna to be a permanent soprano when I'm done with this croquet mallet" and "CENSORED". He wasn't sure.

Inspiration struck. A rare occurrence with Naruto, and one that rarely turned out to be any good, so this might backfire on him totally. He decided to jump on it anyway. Why not? He was dead anyway.

"Hey, Iruka, wanna get back in the gator? I'll let you take my turn driving!"

Kakashi blinked as a roaring faded into the distance.

"Did…did a lower ranking teacher-nin just make off with my student?" he asked, dazed. Sakura and Sasuke nodded solemnly, shocked.

Kakashi tilted his head back to direct his gaze at the sky.

"Iruka…you die. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, maybe not for years. But I'll be waiting, and you will die."

Sasuke and Sakura back away slowly.

Little did Kakashi know he'd only have to wait till next week.


	5. Wherein Iruka's revenge is made

Author's note—duck!

Okay, I would like to apologize for describing Iruka's eyes as chocolate last chapter. I know I'm supposed to be a responsible crack author who treats all characters fairly, but my inner fangirl went kinda crazy at the appearance of my favorite character and snuck in a loving adjective. I'll try to be more responsible in the future.

So now we return back to the present. Wait a minute; this wasn't supposed to be a series! Just random episodes! There isn't supposed to a thread from chapter to chapter! Curse it! Ah, screw it, let's just see what Iruka's up to…

-…-

Iruka was furious. He'd been getting calls from the parents of his students, and ninja had been making comments as he passed them in the street. He noticed that most of the comments were coming from jounin. That could be because most chuunin had worked with him at least once and knew what would happen if they opened their mouths, and all the genin had been his students, and likewise knew what would happen, but he suspected Kakashi had offered the jounin protection from Iruka's wrath if they promised to hassle him.

If that was the case, the only solution was to target the source: he had to show Kakashi who was boss, and he had to do it soon, or the other ninja might crowd around him again.

He paused. This whole thing was a lot like dogs. Or professional wrestlers. Or chickens. Some kind of lower life form. It occurred to him that Kakashi might be acting like a dog because he spent so much time with them. Iruka was a cat person, himself. None of that pack attitude with cats. Oh, well. He'd have to interact with the pack just this once, and then he could go back to CENSORED

A/N: Okay, what I was about to say there was obscene and fangirly, so I won't say it. I apologize.

First, Iruka had to find pack headquarters. That barbeque place the jounin hung out at with the outdoor tables. Check. Second, he had to establish dominance over the pack leader. He checked his pocket to make sure he was prepared. Check. Third, he had to awaken the prankster he was as a kid. When he was young, he would use warpaint to get psyched up for a confrontation with Kakashi, but he was more mature than that now. Hmmm…coffee would probably do the trick. Lots, and lots, and _lots_ of coffee.

-…-

An hour later, suitably full of caffeine, Iruka stalked over to the barbeque place. Several townsfolk, sensing a showdown on the level of the OK Corral, or Hong Kong Fooey vs. Secret Squirrel, silently trailed him.

Kakashi was lounging at the head of one of the outdoor tables, surrounded by jounin. Iruka had to walk past them to get to his opponent. There were jeers and yells, and a few tried to smear him with BBQ sauce, but he dodged them and went silently on. In a few moments, he reached Kakashi, who raised a hand. Silence fell. He eyed Iruka with a smirk. A sigh went up from the crowd at how he managed that with only a quarter of his face showing. Iruka restrained himself from twitching, and Kakashi raised an eyebrow, impressed in spite of himself.

The staring contest went on for a few more moments, and Iruka realized it was going to be up to him to make the first move. He did, launching a fist toward Kakashi's face at lightning speed. Genma and Asuma, who were sitting nearest to the two, started to move, but halted when Kakashi caught Iruka's wrist and then waved them off with his free hand. He froze when Iruka started laughing, low and dark.

"You fell for it." He said quietly. Kakashi, realizing too late that Iruka had had a trick ready, started to release his wrist, but stopped when Iruka snapped out a command.

"Don't move! Or I open my hand!"

Genma and Asuma started to move forward again, but once more Kakashi waved them off. He turned his gaze back to Iruka.

"Oh? And why should I care?" said Kakashi, still sounding relaxed.

"Because I have a fist full of sneeze powder." Said Iruka flatly. Kakashi froze. There was a gasp from the crowd. Iruka leaned down.

"If you _ever_ spread a rumor like that about me again, you'll get a face full of sneeze powder in the middle of the marketplace, and everyone will finally see your face when you have to take your mask off because you're dripping snot."

Kakashi swallowed with some difficulty. "I won't."

"Won't what?"

"I won't spread any rumors."

"And you'll tell your jounin to leave me alone."

"Yes." Kakashi was sweating.

Iruka eyed him for a moment, and then carefully stepped away. He swept his gaze over the assembled jounin as Kakashi put his head down on the table in shame.

Iruka walked away in triumph as a cheer went up from the crowd. As he reached the street, he turned to face Kakashi again, who lifted his head slightly.

"Looks like I win again, Kakashi. Seems like you never can come out on top, doesn't it?"

And with that, he walked away into a conveniently appearing sunset (something he'd picked up from Gai and Lee) as the caffeine sang in his veins.


	6. Wherein a question is answered

Naruto and Iruka were comfortably seated at Ichiraku, slurping their ramen, when a question occurred to Naruto.

"Hey, Sensei, why do you always have stray locks of hair over your forehead?"

"Well, it all started when I was twelve…"

-…-

Twelve-year-old Iruka looked triumphantly at his reflection in the mirror. His shoulder-length hair was down from its usual ponytail.

"Yes! My bangs are finally long enough to tuck into my ponytail!"

Just then, a silver blur spun by him and cut his hair.

Iruka grabbed at his newly chopped bangs in distress.

"Dammit, Kakashi! Stop cutting my bangs!"

An evil laugh came from the window.

-…-

The rather brief flashback ended. Iruka shrugged.

"He always cuts my bangs whenever they start to get long." He got an evil look. "But now I hold them back….with hairpins!"

Naruto slurped his noodles thoughtfully. "Wow. You guys have animosity from way back, don't you?"

"Yes. Yes we do."

Iruka brought his bowl up to his lips to drink his broth. A silver blur spun by, and a hand shot out, smacking Iruka in the back of the head, blasting his face into his bowl and spilling broth down his front.

Iruka sputtered.

"Dammit, Kakashi!"


	7. Wherein Kakashi and Naruto are avocadoes

Author's Note: Ummm…okay, I was going to tell you the story about Shikamaru and Naruto and the bananas, but besides the fact that I hadn't made up the ending yet, there was the small fact that I use the same document for everything I upload to and…um…there was an accident. Yah. It's gone.

I'll rewrite the stupid thing later, because right now I'm too displeased with myself to go back to it. So, I guess I'll write about the time that Kakashi…

-…-

…had just invited his team to a party. The jounin and chuunin regularly went to parties that the genin weren't invited to, so the three were immediately suspicious.

"How come we get to go now, when we were never allowed before?" demanded Sakura. Kakashi shrugged.

"I was never the one hosting the party, before. I say the jounin can bring their teams, so they can. I know Gai is."

"There's the catch!" yelled Naruto angrily. "We have to stand thick brows all night!"

Sasuke smacked him, and then leaned over to mutter in his ear. "You know that can't be the only thing, Naruto. Shut up and let me handle this."

Naruto nodded. That would be best.

Sasuke cleared his throat. Kakashi smiled blankly.

"So…what kind of party is it?"

"A costume party! With a theme!"

They froze. _That_ was the catch! Good thing they hadn't let it go where Naruto had been willing to! This was much worse than just Team Gai.

"What's the theme?" asked Sasuke cautiously.

"Vegetables! I was thinking the four of us could dress as avocadoes, and…"

"Forget it!" yelled Sakura. "I am _not_ dressing as an avocado! Look, if that's all you do at those parties, then I'm glad I don't go!"

Sasuke nodded his agreement. Naruto looked doubtful, and Sasuke and Sakura leapt on it. They dragged him to the other side of the bridge for a little private chat.

"Naruto. You're going to that party." Said Sasuke flatly.

"Yeah." Agreed Sakura. "That's the only way we'll ever find out what goes on at those things."

"Okay."

Sasuke and Sakura blinked. Had Naruto really wanted to go all along? Then Sakura remembered just how many parties Naruto normally got invited to.

That would be none. Sasuke rolled his eyes. _He_ got invited to every party in town, except those genin couldn't attend, but he could understand Naruto being kind of desperate.

He and Sakura walked back over to where Naruto and Kakashi were chatting happily about how they were going to do their costumes. Sakura almost gagged in horror. Avocadoes? Why couldn't Kakashi have at least picked a cute vegetable, like, like…

Okay, there _were_ no cute vegetables. Another reason that party was stupid.

So why did Naruto look so excited to go?

-…-

And there you go. The lead in to the partay. I'll put up the actual partay scene as soon as I figure out what they're actually going to do. Oh, screw it; I'll just make something up right now. Maybe they…

-…-

…saw Gai and Rock Lee having a rare disagreement.

"But, but, it's just a pickle suit, sensei!"

Gai, who was dressed in a carrot suit, looked distressed.

"Pickles are not youthful!" he wailed in horror. "P-pickles…"

He collapsed in distress. Neji, who was dressed in a daikon (large white radish) outfit, looked like he was about to burst. Tenten, in her turnip suit, tried to comfort him, without much success.

Kakashi placed a hand on Naruto's shoulder. Their costumes matched perfectly.

"_My_ student's are loyal, Gai." He pointedly ignored Sasuke and Sakura, who were spying at the window, while Gai had an apoplectic fit. Gai ran out the door screaming, and Rock Lee followed after.

Iruka eyed Kakashi from the snack table. He was dressed in a "peas in a pod" costume, with his head being the top pea. He then eyed the snacks. Then he eyed Asuma's team, who were dressed as various unidentifiable vegetables in varying states of lump. He was eyeing a lot of things.

Then he eyed Kurenai's costume by mistake (he was aiming for Kakashi again) and got smacked. Hard. In unmentionable places.

Kakashi smirked as he staggered outside.

-…-

And that's it for this chapter!


	8. Wherein we play a fun game with Sasuke

Naruto pops up from nowhere. "You are about to see something incredible—and incredibly suspenseful! Welcome to "Don't Faint, Sasuke!"

He leans closer in a conspiratorial manner. "There was a mix-up at the First Bank of Konoha. Temporarily, you can only make withdrawals from ATMs. Sasuke doesn't have an ATM card. Without access to his funds, he hasn't been able to go grocery shopping. For the past two weeks he has survived on Pringles and Dr. Pepper. We are now going to see if he can make it through morning training!"

DON'T FAINT, SASUKE!

Sasuke staggered into the training grounds. Sakura and Naruto watched him intensely.

He looked terrible. His normally pale face was pasty and grey, his once shining hair hung limp, and his pouting emo eyes were dull. Sakura was horrified.

While Sakura melted into a puddle of disappointed Sasuke-fangirl, Naruto watched Sasuke sway slightly.

Don't faint, Sasuke!

Sasuke straightened and steadied, and Naruto let out the breath he'd been holding.

Sasuke started to tip over. Naruto sucked in his breath again. Sasuke was held up by Kakashi placing a single finger on the top of his head.

He immediately snatched it back after feeling Sasuke's limp, oily locks. Sasuke was now balanced like a half-full coke can on its rim. Kakashi rubbed his hands on his pants. Sasuke remained perfectly balanced on the edge of one foot, at a remarkable 45 degree angle.

Kakashi demonstrated the first two seals of a new jutsu he was teaching them. Sakura copied them. Naruto copied them wrong. Kakashi smacked Naruto upside the head. Sasuke remained balanced at 45 degrees. Naruto and Sakura watched Sasuke.

A strong breeze blew through the clearing. Sasuke shivered.

Don't faint, Sasuke!

Sasuke's hands flew from his sides. Sakura gasped. Sasuke reached into his pocket and pulled out a Dr. Pepper.

Removing the weight unbalanced him. He fell over. Naruto and Sakura rushed over.

Sasuke was trying to open the soda. His weak nails scrabbled at the top. Naruto reached down and took it from him. Sasuke whimpered in supplication.

Naruto opened it and handed it back to Sasuke, who drained it.

Given new energy, he stood up, learned the new jutsu, completed a crossword puzzle, then lay back down again, exhausted.

Naruto poked him with a stick. He twitched. Kakashi hoisted him over his shoulder and carted him off to the village center.

Once they got there, Kakashi set him down and gave him another Dr. Pepper. Once again Sasuke was unable to open it. Naruto decided not to help him, and instead watched him scrabble at the lid, bleating in distress.

Kakashi set about his business, which was buying pomegranates. He planned to keep them until they started to rot, then throw them at Asuma's window in the dead of night. He wasn't sure why.

After he'd bought them he offered one to Sasuke, only to find the boy was already munching on Pringles. He blinked, and then ate the pomegranate himself.

He still wasn't sure why.

Sasuke stiffened. He hadn't been able to get the Dr. Pepper open, and now his energy was dangerously low. He found himself wishing he had accepted the pomegranate. His system was saturated with Pringles and could no longer draw any nutrients from them. A shudder starting at his toes ran through his entire body.

Don't faint, Sasuke!

The scene was suddenly in slow motion as Sasuke toppled toward the ground. He plummeted slowly, slowly, slowly—

And landed on Naruto, who had fainted 2.3 seconds before Sasuke had.

Eating ramen for two weeks can be just as bad for you as Pringles and Dr. Pepper.


	9. Wherein Kakashi is a leprechaun

Kakashi popped his head up and giggled. A green bowler was perched on top of his wild hair, and he had a green scarf around his neck. He glanced right and left, then giggled again.

He pranced about aimlessly for a few moments. Butterflies swarmed around him, joining him for a happy swirly dance. Flute music began to trill. Then he heard a noise behind him. He spun around.

Naruto, Sasuke and Sakura were coming over the crest of the hill, dressed in scraps of hide, with their bodies painted in bright colors. Sakura shook a large club over her head.

"Wookie-wookie-woo!" She screamed. The music stopped. Kakashi froze.

Then he sprinted, giggling madly. The three gave chase.

"WOOOOOOOooooooOOOOOOOO!" screamed Naruto. Kakashi ran faster, but they were catching up.

They stopped when he suddenly disappeared, milling about aimlessly for a few moments, until Sasuke looked up.

"ErKAH!" he yelled. Naruto and Sakura looked up as well to see Kakashi perched in the higher limbs of a tall tree. They started swarming up the trunk, but as soon as they got close, he sprang out of the tree, held aloft by a large red balloon.

"They're always after me lucky charms!" he squealed gleefully.

Sakura, Sasuke, and Naruto started spinning around in a circle, chanting, "Hearts, stars, and horseshoes, clovers and blue moons! Pots of gold and rainbows—"

"—and me red balloons!" finished Kakashi.

The balloon popped, and his eyes flicked open to see Naruto standing over him.

"Dude. Sensei. It's your turn for watch."

Kakashi sat up and looked around. He was in a small camp, surrounded by trees.

"You were giggling in your sleep." Said Naruto. Kakashi blinked. He reached up to his head and felt around.

No hat.

He sighed a great deal during his watch.


	10. Wherein Kakashi is angered

A particularly violent bump almost shook Naruto out of his seat. He tried to glare at Iruka, then realized that he wouldn't be able to see it through his goggles. He settled for reaching over and poking him in the shoulder.

Iruka just laughed and pushed the pedal down. Naruto gripped his seat. He hadn't actually heard Iruka laughing over the sound of the radio. Michael Jackson's "Speed Demon" was playing, and Iruka seemed to be taking a little too literally.

They both sang along in high pitched falsettos.

_Speed Demon you're the very same one_

_Who said the future's in your hands _

_the life you save could be your own_

Iruka abruptly slammed on the brakes. Naruto flew out of his seat and landed in front of the gator with a thump. He looked back, taking off his goggles.

"What the hell was that?" he yelled. Iruka reached over and turned the radio off.

"I forgot about your training!" he yelled back. Naruto quickly checked his watch.

"Crap. Kakashi's just getting to the bridge now…" He swallowed nervously. Iruka pondered deeply for a long moment.

"You have the flu." He said, finally.

-…-

Kakashi had arrived at the bridge just a moment earlier to discover no Naruto. His temper didn't have a chance to fully boil over, however, before a small beep came from his communicator.

"I warned him about frivolous calls." He growled. He flicked it on. "Gai, I swear on my mother's grave if this is you calling to talk to me about pickles—"

"_What?_" squawked the communicator. Kakashi paused. Then frowned. Sasuke and Sakura shuddered in fear.

"Is this Naruto?" he said, in a quiet, deadly voice.

"Er, yeah. Um, I'm, uh, sick." He gave a series of very fake-sounding coughs.

Then another voice, faint but still audible, came over the communicator.

"Like he'll ever believe _that_. Make it sound more real!"

Naruto coughed some more.

"You're hopeless."

Kakashi blinked rapidly. He could feel his blood pressure rising.

"Do they realize how good that communicator is at picking up sound?" asked Sakura quietly.

A long pause came from the other end. Then the communicator flicked off. Kakashi shook it furiously.

"Naruto!" he screamed at it. "You better be able to hear me! When I catch you, it's gonna be the Million Years of Pain!"

Sasuke twitched. "What's that?"

Kakashi's eye narrowed.

"That's when I take a stick and shove it straight up his

TBC


	11. Wherein Naruto is itchy

Authors Note: this chappie short, I know, but you're lucky you got anything. I haven't got inspiration lately. Going Commando, on the other hand, is about to get a HUGE chapter, all about Neji's forehead.

Naruto was clutching at himself in an urgent way. "Sensei!" He whined. "I really, _really_ have to go!"

Kakashi glared at him. "So, go piss in an alley!"

Naruto rushed off to do as instructed of him. Kakashi plucked off his student's hitai-ate before he managed to disappear.

"If anyone catches you, you belong to Suna."

Sakura averted her eyes as Naruto sighed with relief. Kakashi smiled in an abstract sort of way, and Sasuke glared at him.

"I thought that next time you saw Naruto, you were gonna shove a stick up his—"

"Yes, well!" interrupted Kakashi angrily. "Somehow the Hokage found out and she made me stop!"

He aimed a death-glare at Sakura, who looked sheepish. Sasuke huffed in disappointment.

Naruto came out of the alley happily scratching at himself, unaware of his close call.

-…-

Several minutes later, Naruto was scratching at himself.

"I feel itchy." He complained. Sasuke glared at him.

"Hey, Naruto? Remember that discussion we had? The one about not informing us of all your bodily functions as they happen?"

"But…I really itch! And I feel kind of oily, too!"

A small, evil giggle came from Kakashi.

"Oh, did I direct you into an alley that was infested with poison ivy? How careless of me!"

"Poison ivy?" shouted Naruto in horror. Sasuke and Sakura recoiled in horror as Naruto scratched frantically.

"Stop it, Naruto, you're just spreading the oil around! That's what's making you itch!"

"Yeah, idiot!" growled Sasuke.

"The oil, huh? Idiot, huh?" snarled Naruto, furious. He leapt on Sasuke, knocking him to the ground, and began rubbing against him.

"You and your freaky hormones get off me!" shrieked Sasuke. Then he realized—

"ARGH, NARUTO! THE OIL!! GET OFF!!"

"The oil, huh?" shouted Naruto angrily. "The oil? THE OIL? SO I'M AN IDIOT, AM I? WELL, I'M AN ITCHY IDIOT AND NOW YOU ARE TOO!"

Sasuke kicked him off and then leapt on him, punching him repeatedly in the face as Naruto laughed wildly. Sakura shrieked in horror and Kakashi laughed evilly as he was silhouetted against a yellow moon that popped up out of nowhere. The scene faded slowly, the sound of Kakashi's maniacal laugh lingering.

-…-

"Stop scratching down there, Naruto!" hissed Sakura. "People will think you have crotch rot or something!"

Naruto kept scratching. "But it itches real bad!"

Some passersby were staring. Kakashi smiled at them. _Crotch rot_ he mouthed. They blanched and hurried along.

Sasuke scratched at himself madly and hated the entire world.


	12. Wherein Naruto is reminded of something

Author's Note: Sorry it's been so long. That last chapter sucked big-time. And then inspiration struck. (I can't be the only one who's thought of this after watching that music video…)

On a totally non-related note, when you hold down the shift key for eight seconds, it irrevocably screws up Word and you have to restart your computer. Go ahead. Ask me how I know.

-…-

"You know, Kakashi-sensei," said Naruto thoughtfully. "You really remind me of that music video with hose guys that have their faces covered. The ones where they wear those funny hats."

Kakashi stared at him balefully. "You recovered from that poison ivy awful fast."

"No, no!" Naruto insisted. "You know the one I mean. With those weird hats."

Sasuke sniffed. "I have poison ivy remedy."

Kakashi glared at him. "And you gave some to him?"

Sasuke shrugged. "He wouldn't stop whining. I had to make him shut up somehow."

On the other side of the bridge, Naruto was still going on. "The one where they talk about cream! There's, like, a huge bowl of cream! It's crazy! You look just like the guys in the video, sensei!"

"He didn't shut up." Said Kakashi flatly. Sasuke shrugged again. A little heart appeared above Sakura.

"Your shrugs are so sexy, Sasuke-kun!" she trilled. He stared at the heart in horror.

"You know, when Rock Lee has physical manifestations of love, you think it's gross." He reminded her.

**Rejected!**

The heart disappeared. Sakura drooped in abject disappear, a small cloud appearing above her head. Kakashi cleared his throat.

"Time to train, guys." He said authoritatively, starting to walk toward the training area. The three of them trooped after him, Sakura's cloud leaving small puddles.

-…-

"It's got, like, subtitles." Said Naruto, dodging Sasuke's roundhouse kick to the face. 

Kakashi stepped in and stopped the sparring. "Who do you think you are, Chuck Norris?" he demanded of Sasuke. Sasuke glared at him.

"And cowboys." Said Naruto. "Subtitles and cowboys. It was weird."

"Okay, go." Said Kakashi. Sasuke sprang at Naruto like a monkey going for a bowl of bananas. Naruto shrieked and dodged.

"Go, Sasuke!" cheered Sakura. Beside her, a small squirrel cheered squeakily. She stared at it. It waved a small "I heart Sasuke" flag. 

Sakura narrowed her eyes. Competition.

Sasuke emerged triumphantly with Naruto's shirt. Naruto looked down, puzzled. His jacket was still on.

"I'm stopping this before you invent some new kind of obscenity." Said Kakashi, raising an eyebrow. "That's it for today. Oh, and we have Parent Day next week, when your parents can come and watch you train. I forgot about that."

Sakura huffed, annoyed. "Parent Day sucks. I don't think we should do it at all."

Sasuke stared at her. "Be grateful you even have parents."

"Oh, shut up. You've never had the experience of coming home to see your mom in a French maid outfit."

Sasuke, who had a mother he could visualize in such a situation, starting having convulsions while Naruto looked mildly confused.

"There was, like, a French lady in the video. With one of those cigarettes. In those long things, you know what I mean."

Sakura smacked him upside the head. "No, we don't. Stop going on about it."

Kakashi looked at his ragtag team and sigh in disgust. Why did they even have Parent Day, anyway?

**FLASH BACK AHEAD! WARNING! WARNING!**

The Hokage looked around at the assembled ninja and checked the tallies on the paper before him. "All, right, we only have two ninja left to vote."

Iruka and Kakashi, at the end of the line, shifted slightly. The Hokage looked at them fixedly.

"If you two both vote against it, we won't have Parent Day."

Iruka huffed. And puffed. And blew the house down. (All figuratively, of course. No houses were harmed in the making of this fanfiction.) "Parent Day is a terrible idea. We should, under no circumstances, ever implement such a phenomenal waste of time."

Kakashi jabbed a finger at him. "You are absolutely correct!"

A stunned silence fell over the room. Iruka kicked at the ground and looked away.

"Wow." He muttered. "I have a warm feeling inside."

"I vote in favor of Parent Day." Said Kakashi flatly.

**END FLASHBACK. YOU MAY NOW RETURN TO YOUR NORMAL ACTIVITIES.**

"I hate that chuunin so much." Kakashi muttered under his breath.

"You have to know the video I'm talking about! You know, the one with the guy with the whip!"

Sakura smacked him again. "I told you, we have no idea what you're talk—"

"HOLD IT!" yelled Kakashi. He stared at Naruto with murder in his eyes.

"_Do you mean to tell me I remind you of Devo?_"


	13. Wherein Orochimaru loses his snake

Author's Note: Naruto Chapter 198, page 15. Yes, I know that Orochimaru uses a stand-up shower and not a bath tub.

Naruto, Sakura, and Sasuke were lounging about on the bridge. Sasuke was attempting to look nonchalant, Sakura was attempting to look attractive, and Naruto was attempting to look like he didn't fail at life.

None of them were succeeding.

At this point we must go to the other side of the village, where Kakashi was sitting in his kitchen, poking at the pomegranates he'd bought back in chapter 8, wondering if they were yet rotten enough to throw at Asuma's window. He figured this activity could take all day, so there's very little chance of him showing up in the following story.

This is why it's so dramatic when Orochimaru shows up at the bridge! Dun dun duuuunn! He waggled his tongue at the three genin while Sakura made confused noises.

"What kind of timeline does this story have, anyway?"

Sasuke shrugged. "Whichever one has the most jokes."

Orochimaru laughed evilly. "Well, since we're experiencing a certain amount of timeline confusion, I'm not sure you've met my…_special friend_."

Kabuto stepped out from behind a tree and gave his own evil laugh. Orochimaru looked at him in disgust.

"Look, Kabuto, I asked you not to do that."

Meanwhile, the three genin were making comments.

"Special friend?" snorted Sasuke. "Yeah, I bet he's special."

"I'm just saying, Kabuto," continued Orochimaru. "That you don't really have an evil laugh that's up to my standards. It's a little embarrassing."

"Super special." Snickered Sakura. "He's even got a ponytail."

"Hey!" said Naruto. "Iruka-sensei has a ponytail!"

Sasuke shook his head. "I can't make the joke. It would be too easy."

Orochimaru was still talking to Kabuto. "Look, just watch the way I do it and copy me." He gave a magnificent evil laugh, then leaned over and barfed on the ground.

Sakura recoiled. "Gross!"

Orochimaru looked confused. "There was supposed to be a snake in there somewhere." He muttered. He looked over at Kabuto. Kabuto looked back. Both of them came to the shocking realization in the same instant.

"My snake!" squealed Orochimaru. "I've lost my snake!"

Naruto burst out laughing at this. Sakura blushed a little.

"Gosh, this story got really off-color as soon as Orochimaru showed up."

Kabuto shrugged. "Yeah, that tends to happen."

Orochimaru was still squealing. "You guys have to help me!"

Sasuke glared at him. "Why should we?"

"Aw, you guys are so mean! What have I ever done to you?" Orochimaru whined.

Sakura rolled her eyes. "Do you want me to list all the things?"

"Come on! I didn't mean it! Help me find my snake!"

Naruto laughed harder. Sasuke smacked him. "Why is Orochimaru acting like this? Usually he's all tough."

Kabuto rolled his eyes. "You're asking for decent characterization in a story like this?"

Sakura shook her head, a stern look on her face. "Stop breaking the fourth wall. That's not it. Don't you see, Kabuto? Orochimaru's lost his mojo!"

Kabuto raised an eyebrow at Orochimaru and took a step back. "Er…"

Naruto was gasping for air and Orochimaru gave him a dirty look. "You guys have to help me!" He bleated again.

Sakura shook her head. "No way am I doing it! Good girls don't do this kind of thing!" And with that she hopped away, leaving Naruto and Sasuke staring down Orochimaru and a slightly uncomfortable-looking Kabuto.

Orochimaru whimpered a little bit. Kabuto looked at him in disgust.

Naruto nudged Sasuke. "Hey, Sasuke." He muttered. "We have definitely got to do this."

Sasuke glared at him. "Why?"

"Because, because!" hissed Naruto. "I came up with this great idea! Like, when he gets that snake back the first thing he's gonna do is attack us with it, right?"

"That would be a reason _not_ to help him, moron." Growled Sasuke.

Naruto shook his head. "No, no, listen! When he attacks us, we wait until he gets the snake halfway barfed up, then punch him in the stomach! It'll be like one of those joke cans of peanuts!"

Sasuke considered. "Okay, we'll do it, but just because I can't get a good mental image and I want to see what that looks like."

They both turned to Orochimaru, who was snuffling into Kabuto's shirt. Kabuto looked disturbed.

"Okay," Said Sasuke. "We'll help you. Where did you last see your snake?"

Naruto burst out laughing again. Sasuke gave him a death-stare. "Naruto! It's not funny anymore, cut it out!"

Naruto sobered up. "Okay, I'll quit."

"Good. Now, Orochimaru, where did you last see it?"

"Well," said Orochimaru, "I remember giving it a scrub in the bath this morning."

Naruto laughed so hard he fell on the ground. "It's still funny! It's _still_ funny!"

Sasuke punched him hard enough to knock him unconscious. "Whatever. Let's go check out your bathtub."

So off they went, leaving Naruto on the bridge. After traveling in an awkward silence for a while, they arrived at Orochimaru's…er…snakeden.

Sasuke raised an eyebrow. "Snakeden?"

"Kishimoto called it that first." Said Kabuto.

They went inside and quickly gathered around Orochimaru's bathtub. Sasuke examined it closely.

"Hmmm…it might have ended up going down the drain. We should go check where the sewer comes out at."

Orochimaru drooped in disappointment, but followed Sasuke and Kabuto back outside, where they began to make their way towards the sewer.

It was right about then that they ran into Jaraiya, who shows up mainly to provide some more jokes. And screw up the timeline more. Don't even try to figure it out at this point, canon and continuity are by the wayside.

Orochimaru decided to throw himself on Jaraiya's mercy. "Pleeeease help me find my snake!" he whined, grabbing at Jaraiya's leg.

Jaraiya shook him off. "Dude, Orochimaru, I told you before. You're not my bro anymore. I'm not helping you with anything. And who's that kid in the ponytail and glasses?"

Kabuto opened his mouth to introduce himself, but Sasuke spoke first. "That's Orochimaru's special friend."

Jaraiya made a face at Orochimaru, who was snuffling at his feet and making wide puppy-dog eyes.

"Ok, not only are you not my bro anymore, but I refuse to be anywhere near you. And they call me a perv!"

HOLD ON! PSA APPROACHING‼

Iruka dashed out of nowhere. "Whoa!"

He turned to face the camera. "Hey, kids, Jaraiya just made an inappropriate peer to peer verbal interaction behavior choice."

He gestured towards Jaraiya, who was seriously considering summoning a frog to eat him.

"You see, he just implied that Orochimaru having a 'special friend' that he cares about is wrong."

"Hey, I didn't mean it like that." Protested Orochimaru. Iruka ignored him.

"Kids, sometimes you feel different from other people. And that's okay! It's okay to be different and to have 'funny feelings' that you might not understand."

"He didn't mean it like that. There are no funny feelings." Growled Kabuto. Iruka ignored him too and put on his earnest face.

"You have every right to be comfortable with who you are, and to have a 'special friend' if you want! So remember, when you make a peer to peer verbal interaction behavior choice, make the _right_ peer to peer verbal interaction behavior choice!"

PSA IS OVER.

Iruka was still standing there. Sasuke blinked.

"Er, I'd thought you'd be gone when the announcement was over."

Iruka shrugged. "Yeah, I thought so too. Hey, is that a snake in the bushes?"

Orochimaru rushed over. "My snake!" he cried in delight. He promptly started cramming it down his throat.

Sasuke looked over at Kabuto. "Where did he get that snake from, anyway?"

Kabuto pushed his glasses up his nose. "Snake eggs are a delicacy in some countries."

Sasuke wrinkled his nose as Iruka, resigned to the situation, started walking back to the village. Since he doesn't have the power of plot driving his speed, it's probably going to take him a while. So let's ignore him momentarily and get back to everyone else, since Orochimaru was done getting the snake down his throat and, in a perfect display of inefficiency, was barfing it back up again to attack.

Sasuke waited till the half-way point, then punched him the stomach. The snake flew out of his mouth in a burst of confetti, leaving a coiled spring gaping out of his throat. Orochimaru gagged while Sasuke snickered. He turned and ran off back to the village.

"He really is like one of those joke cans of peanuts." He mused.

EPILOGUE:

Hey, you thought Iruka just got left out at the end there, didn't you! Wrong! That was Jaraiya. But don't worry, he wandered off at some point to go spy on some naked chicks or something, I don't know. This epilogue really is about Iruka, who took several days to get to the village and made his way to Kakashi's house in the dark of night, knowing that if they are both in a chapter, there must be conflict between them, and it hasn't happened yet.

Kakashi was asleep. Iruka spent a good hour wondering if he was pretending before confirming that he was not by whispering demeaning things in his ear and waiting to see if he got hit. Since he didn't, he was now free to go with some antagonistic action.

Problem was, he didn't know what to do. It had to be mean.

Kakashi awoke the next morning to find every single mask he owned gone, and in their place a set of paisley bandannas, each of which had the words, "Cowboy Kakashi, the Scourge of Konoha's West End!" scrawled across the front in black marker.


	14. Wherein races happen

AN: I'm finally caught up on the manga. Two years without reading, and then I went through the whole thing from the first chapter to the latest in a week of sleepless nights. Hot damn. Also, the chapters of Skinny Dipping have been getting a little longer than usual. Don't know why. Of course, the one after this is going to be about three paragraphs long, so don't get used to this.

Sasuke lay on his back, staring at the sky. The Sunday crossword had defeated him once again. It had killed his whole family and left him alone. …wait…that was Itachi. Itachi had defeated him once again, through the medium of the crossword. Every time he lost, it was like losing to Itachi. His whole life was a black abyss of darkness and misery.

Beside him, Naruto lay back too, staring at the clouds. "That one looks like a bunny!" He squealed. Sasuke considered turning his head in Naruto's direction to give him a look of disdain, but decided it was too much effort.

On his other side, Sakura lay on her back, staring at Sasuke. Little hearts kept floating above her head.

On the other side of Sakura lay Kakashi. He was also staring at Sasuke, with a calculating look on his face. Sasuke was beginning to feel intimidated, as well as acutely aware of just how fast Kakashi-sensei could kick his --

"Well!" said Kakashi unjustifiably cheerily. "That's enough cloud-gazing for today."

"Look!" said Naruto. "That one looks like a leprechaun in a top hat!"

"WHERE?" shouted Kakashi, turning his head fast enough to give himself whiplash. Sasuke ignored them both and tried to remember the clue to sixteen down. It was five letters, and he was sure the last letter was an 's'…dammit, he couldn't concentrate! How could he ever defeat Itachi if he couldn't even defeat the Sunday crossword?

Kakashi managed to tear his eyes away from the leprechaun cloud and started eyeing Sasuke again.

"Er…today we'll be having special exercises."

Naruto leapt to his feet and started hopping up and down. "OOH! OOH! WHAT?" he squealed.

"Um…tests of speed." said Kakashi, sounding slightly guilty. "Speed is essential to any ninja."

He drew a line in the dirt and carefully lined up Naruto and Sakura in front of it. "Alright, to that tree over there."

"The one with the disco ball hung on it?" said Sakura, puzzled. "What is that doing there?"

Kakashi narrowed his eyes. "Damn you, Gai." he muttered under his mask. "You've been using my training grounds as your personal party spot again, haven't you?"

Sakura and Naruto, who couldn't hear Kakashi, were both drawing radically different conclusions about why there was a disco ball in Kakashi's favorite "sit and watch the team exhaust themselves while I read pornographic materials" tree. Sakura was sure that Kakashi was about to play some sort of trick on them, while Naruto was convinced that Kakashi was secretly a dance master and resolved to sneak over to his house and look for his rhinestone suit. He'd have to make sure it was a time when Kakashi was sure to be out of the house, like on a Friday night, when he hung out with the other jounin at the barbeque joint downtown.

"Anyway." said Kakashi. "I want you two to run as fast as you can toward that tree."

"So…it's a race." said Sakura.

Kakashi turned bright red.

"IT IS NOT A RACE! THERE IS NO MONEY INVOLVED! IT'S PERFECTLY LEGAL!"

Sakura and Naruto stared at him. He cleared his throat self-consciously. "Anyway…it's a test of speed. Start on 'disco monkey'."

Sakura raised an eye brow. "Why not just start on 'go'?" she asked. Kakashi 'tsk'ed at her.

"Don't ruin my groove, Sakura. DISCO MONKEY!"

Sakura and Naruto raced toward the tree. Sasuke moped.

DING! DING! DING!

And the race is on! Sakura shows a strong start across the line, and ooh! That stumble of Naruto's is going to cost him precious seconds! Still, he's picking up considerable speed. Yes, those short little legs of his are moving like a small orange motor! Off he goes—he's gaining on her! He's—He's passing her! Yes, Naruto has gone into first place—but wait! What's this? Something shiny on the ground—OH NO! It's the foil top to an instant ramen cup! Distraction city! Sure enough, he's veering off course to go lick it. Sakura crosses the finish line first.

RACE OVER

Sakura hopped up and down and triumph while Naruto sucked every last bit of stale beef flavor off the lid. Kakashi herded Sakura to the start line and placed Sasuke beside her. Then he bent down and whispered in Sasuke's ear, "_If you lose at this, you'll never beat him. You're a _failure_._"

Sasuke growled and snorted. Kakashi moved a respectful distance away.

"Disco monkey!"

DING! DING! DING!

Sasuke won.

RACE OVER

Sasuke huffed at the finish line while Sakura stood dejected and mumbled about how she was always behind.

"At least you beat Naruto." Kakashi consoled her. "Well, Sasuke, as a reward, you get special training."

"Special training?" muttered Sasuke.

"Act excited, brat!" growled Kakashi. He grabbed Sasuke and poofed away.

Sakura and Naruto were left standing in the dust. Sakura kicked at the ground. "Well, that's stupid. I hope I at least get to watch."

"Watch what?" asked Naruto, confused. She stared at him.

"Uh, the genin races, duh! That's obviously what he was trying to be sneaky about. He didn't want to take all three of us, so he just took the fastest one and left the other two so he wouldn't have to pay for us to get in!"

Naruto blinked. "Er, what are the genin races?"

She slapped him upside the head, partly because she hadn't done it in a while and mostly on general principle. "The genin races, idiot! Every sensei can submit a genin to the races, and the winner gets free CENSORED at the giant dance party afterwards."

"I bet Kakashi-sensei can down a whole heck of a lot of CENSORED."

Sakura narrowed her eyes. "Wait a minute. Let me check something." She tilted her head and spoke clearly. "CENSORED."

She nodded her head. "Yup. We're being censored. That's obviously a reference the author finds unacceptable for a story of this rating with its intended audience."

Naruto snickered. "The author is totally faking it. I've seen those naughty pictures of Iruka-sensei she keeps."

Sakura stared at him in horror. "Thanks, idiot, now that image is burned onto my brain! And how did that reference get through when the other one didn't?"

"Because that was a funnier joke?" Naruto guessed. "And if she felt nervous about using the other joke, why didn't she just make up a different one?"

They looked at each other.

"Comedian's block." They said in unison.

Naruto's heart fluttered. They'd spoken in unison! Again! Hurrah! Yippee! Boy Howdy!

Boy Howdy? Naruto shook his head. The author was either not in top form today, or she'd been reading some Iruka-centric fanfics and they'd left her giddy. Boy Howdy indeed.

Naruto realized that he'd just used the word indeed and went to go bang his head against the nearest tree. Sakura ignored him and sighed rapturously. "Well, of course Sasuke-kun will win, since he's so magnificent."

Naruto stopped banging his head and looked behind him slowly, with a murderous look on his face. "No. Way." He growled. Sakura rolled her eyes at him.

"You can't do anything about it, idiot. You aren't even entered in the races!"

He zoomed over and grabbed her shoulders. From that distance, she could smell the ever-present miasma of stale re-hydrated beef that always hung about his person.

"Didn't you say _every_ sensei could enter a genin in the races?" he said in his most intense way. Unfortunately for Sakura, intense for Naruto meat a lot of spitting when he talked. She was just glad he wasn't getting emotional. Emotional for Naruto meant snot. She pushed him away and wiped her face.

"Those are the rules, yes."

He sped off, leaving her puzzled and checking her pockets to see if she had enough spare cash to pay for admission to see her beloved Sasu-y poo.

-…-

"IRUKA-SENSEI!"

Iruka covered his face with his hands, waiting for it. He was dead certain that Kakashi had somehow discovered the fact that he'd gone commando the previous Tuesday (it had been laundry day. Laundry day had begun to come around more often since Konohamaru had started thinking it was funny to throw kunai at Iruka's rear. Iruka had a lot less wearable underwear since that had started. A lot fewer pants, too.) and of course if Kakashi had found out, he would have told his team, purely so that Naruto would do exactly as he was doing now and scream it out for the whole village to hear.

He started to sink to the ground in pure horror and hastily stood up again when he was forcefully reminded of the kunai wounds Konohamaru had left inflicted on him in sensitive places.

Naruto screeched to a halt in front of him. "Iruka-sensei!" he squealed. "Today's the genin races, and Kakashi is going to enter Sasuke in the races, and Sakura thinks that Sasuke is definitely going to win, and there's nowayIcouldlethimwinandSakuraalreadythinksthathe'sbetterthanmeandIhavetoprovehe'snotbutKakashialreadytookSasukeandlefttogototheracesandSakura'snotsuresheevenhasenoughmoneytogetintotheracesandsheHAStogoandIhavetogobutihavetobeintheracesandshehastogotowatchsoshecanseemebeatSasukeandthisisn'tpettyatall,it'snotlikehislifeisn'talreadyaswirlingdarknessofmiserywithanemptyvoidwherehisheartshouldbebecausehe'sabastardwho'sstealingmygirlfrommeandit'snotfairandyouHAVEtohelpmebeathimsoIcanfinallyimpressherbutyouhavetohelpmeandentermeintotheracebecauseSakurasaidthatanysenseicanenterageninintheracesandYOUHAVETO—"

Iruka held up a single finger to silence him. "You mean, you want me to help you beat Sasuke, and in so doing, beat Kakashi?"

Naruto nodded so hard his head started flopping.

Iruka put on his evil face. "Let's go."

-…-

Kakashi was standing around with Sasuke at the race-track. Normally it was against his policy to show up on time, but this year, _everybody_ had been showing up at the last minute in a swirl of leaves to every event in the village, and he didn't want to look like a copycat. He glanced around. Kurenai was entering Kiba. That would be some tough competition. He spotted Asuma, who had apparently decided that the member of his team who least defined the word "dead-weight" was Ino. Kakashi didn't think that pony-tails were aerodynamic, so he wasn't worried about it. There definitely weren't going to be any problems, unless—

Kakashi was distracted by a Something. Two Somethings. Two extremely loud Somethings.

"I am sooo gonna whup you, Sasuke!" Naruto shouted. "You're gonna eat so much of my dust even Gaara'll look at you and say, damn, that's a lotta dust!"

"Gaara uses sand, idiot, not dust." Growled Sasuke. He looked over to see Kakashi and Iruka staring each other down.

"I know Gaara uses sand." Huffed Naruto. Sasuke ignored him. A voice came over the loudspeaker.

"_Genin, take your places at the starting line!"_

Iruka quirked an eyebrow at Kakashi. "Shall we go sit down?"

Kakashi narrowed his eye. "Sure. I tell you, I had a hell of a time finding a mask this morning."

"Oh?" asked Iruka casually. "Can't imagine why. I thought you had lots. Eighteen, aren't I right?"

"Nineteen." Growled Kakashi. "One of them was in the laundry."

Iruka frowned. A miscalculation he would be sure to not repeat next time.

They took their seats in the stands. Kakashi was startled to see Sakura waiting there. He raised his eyebrow.

"Didn't think I'd see you here."

"Oh, _Iruka-sensei_ paid for my entrance fee." She said pointedly.

Kakashi gave Iruka a death glare. "So that's how it is. I know why you entered him now."

Iruka ignored him.

"_On your mark! Get set—GO!"_

The genin went, Sasuke and Naruto ignoring everyone but each other, each vying to be first. As a result of watching each other and not the ground, both of them tripped over rocks at the exact same moment and crashed into the ground, leaving Rock Lee to sprint across the finish line well ahead of everyone else.

Iruka buried his head in his hands while Kakashi slumped. "Gai better not count this as a victory against me."

He leaned over, smacked Iruka upside the head, and ran off.

"What the hell was that for?" Iruka yelled after him. Sakura shrugged.

"Probably because there aren't any more jokes."

"Oh." Said Iruka. "I guess the chapter's over, then."


End file.
